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Collateral Loss Challenges and Adaptation Techniques

The person who is grieving must adjust to changes and get on with life while absorbing the loss of the relationship—both the good and the bad—while they are in mourning. Examining what has genuinely been lost, deciding which duties, expectations, possibilities, and dreams must be abandoned, as well as making any necessary personal adjustments, are all parts of the mourning process that take place in the transitional stage. The grieving person's perspective on their loss and its effects must be taken into account as they process their own sorrow. Every secondary loss experienced calls for a different mourning reaction. The list of recognized features of the loss that may be viewed as being a component of the special process is provided below.

A Component of the Self:

With a quick death, what was given to the other in love, care, and concern is abruptly changed.

Whom and where does that energy go?

The special connection has altered; there is no longer any energy flowing from one to the other. The person does not feel complete. An individual can handle the shift knowing that the specialness can never be replaced by rediscovering roles, a sense of purpose, and how he or she is needed by others. Over time, one can recover their wholeness.

Self-Confidence Loss:

The person struggles to perceive himself/herself as a whole, which makes him/her feel inadequate and might create a lot of uncertainty. Poor self-esteem sufferers will struggle harder in this bereavement predicament. In order to regain personal confidence, it is helpful to support the individual by encouraging straightforward decision-making and assisting him or her in identifying areas of success in daily activities. This confidence may then be used to the working world and to community/social contacts.

Daily attention must be paid to the role(s) lost in this situation. We mourn the loss of all the roles and expected behaviors that had become so integral to daily life in addition to the personality. Losing a child of any age will change the dynamic of what is vs. what is hoped and expected for the present and the future. Losing a mother raises some concerns; losing a father raises others.

A sudden death causes a change in marital status, which is the desired lifestyle. Many people have decided against becoming "single" once more; to be a single parent with all the

decision-making authority and responsibility. The daily fight with the problem and the accompanying emotional agony must be recognized and not minimized by seeming "strong."

Loss of Hope and the Future:

Both the deceased and the survivors had imagined and planned a specific future. That is no longer there, and the survivor is frequently lost for a while. Now since the future is unknown and seen as a barrier, hopes for spending time with that person and/or witnessing his/her growth and success are crushed.

Again, the deceased's involvement plays a key role in this situation. a partner? a grown child? an adult? an ancestor? a relative? a partner? a colleague? Losing expectation and hope for the lost person is a normal part of the mourning process.

Social Changes: Survivors frequently connect to peers, acquaintances, and even family members—including in-laws—in a new way now. Many people take a backseat and frequently ignore the survivor because they are unclear of how to interact with them. They are unfamiliar with the survivor in this altered circumstance; the survivor may be less self-assured, more emotional, less upbeat or joyful, more irritable, unsure of themselves, or more reclusive.

When the survivor is seen, the in-laws may be too emotionally reminded of the person who was lost and find it difficult to address that matter. Friends may have been made through relationships made at work, in school, or in a place of worship. Some people feel compelled to move, which leads to yet another loss of support and further change.

Children may have to move schools due to financial constraints, which results in the loss of friends and instructors who were familiar with them before and who tried to help them cope. One can see that there are several problems that might arise with any loss, but sudden death losses frequently have immediate problems.

The entire world, with all of its daily complexities, is affected. When offering emotional support and walking beside the grieving person through the powerful reaction to a loss reconciliation, it's crucial to be aware of their views. There is frequently a strong longing for the past as well as a lot of rage and frustration for the way life now IS.

The normality of the protest must be understood by anybody offering therapy or assistance in any form. This is a component of the battle and the emotional suffering that comes with letting go of a way of life while being compelled to build something new that they actually don't want.

Survivors frequently worry that they may forget their loved one during this transition to the new normal. They want confidence that forgetfulness is not inevitable as they proceed through life. It's crucial to have a balanced understanding of the person, including both their strengths and faults.

Positive memories may emerge to the surface and form a part of the survivor's journey that they will never forget. Because we are products of our experiences, they need not end with the death of a participant in the event.

Grieving people may want encouragement to do the following: recall hilarious incidents; list characteristics of the departed person that had an influence on them; review the times and events that were significant to both; and review the difficulties in the relationship.

Identify the ways in which you have changed for the better as a result of that other person in your life.

Describe the changes the deceased underwent as a result of my presence in their life.

To ensure that you never forget and to share the deceased's history with others (perhaps children and/or grandkids), make a list of the deceased's favorite meals, perfumes, occasions, sports teams, and holidays.

All of the aforementioned are meant to emphasize how much of a part of us the loved one has become as a result of the connection.

This connection—the need for the other and the need for us by him or her—is what causes grief. Because the person is compelled to engage in several adaptation processes at once due to the suddenness of the loss, the grieving reaction is exacerbated and takes on a "overpowering" quality.


Mimi Rothschild

Mimi Rothschild is the Founder and CEO of the Global Grief Institute which provides Certification training programs forGrief Coach, Trauma Coach, End of Life Coach, and Children's Grief Coach. She is a survivor who has buried 3 of her children and her husband of 33 years. She is available for speaking engagements and comments to the press on any issue surrounding thriving after catastrophic loss. MEDIA INQUIRIES:

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