There are things in life that I may never want to happen. There are things that I will try to hide from, try to keep away. There is though only one thing I fear, and that is death. I'll know no other fear like I will know the fear of death.
Death is the darkest thing in existence. It is the worst pain in life, the deepest of sad thoughts, and most haunting of any truth. It is the one thing in life that may never be answered; it can not be answered. No mortal will ever know what death is really, all we will know is that we all fall victim to its power. Even then, we may never know what death is.
I don't know what to think of death. When I was little, I believed in God and didn't think of death. Then I didn't believe in God and I feared death. As I grew older, I didn't believe in anything and I questioned death. Now I believe in everything and I respect death. I still fear it. I fear Death more than words can say, but I have a respect for it, a kind of respect that comes with understanding life.
My fear of death comes from not knowing what it means to die. The answer isn't something a mortal can know, but it is something I seek. A part of me accepts that I can't find the answer while I live, but I still search for it. It's a sin to, a sin against life, but I can't help it. I am tainted with my want for the truth, but also driven by this want. It feeds my knowledge, creates my wisdom, and gives me inspiration.
Maybe there is afterlife after death. Maybe there is a God and a Heaven, a devil and a hell. Maybe there is a Buddha, or another god, or something greater. Maybe there is the Elysian fields and Hades waiting for those who die, or maybe there is a quiet and serene realm for souls to go when death comes. I hope there is afterlife, not just for my sake, but more for everyone else's sake. I am living a good life, but for those that die young, who die in such sad ways, in wars and tragedies, they deserve afterlife. Everyone deserves afterlife. No one deserves death.
I fear, though, that afterlife may not exist. Afterlife is hard to explain. It makes sense that it should exist, but yet sense that it shouldn't. It seems fit to say that either could exist after life. I don't think many can understand what no afterlife would be like; I myself can barely fathom it. It's no existence, no being, lost forever. It is the darkest feeling and knowledge if true, or just a good laugh if not. It scares me to think that this might be the answer, that all this time I have been looking for truth in death and it is standing right in front of me. If so, it is the darkest shadow my eyes will ever set gaze upon.
I fear death, but I also fear fading. I don't want to live a life of no purpose, just so one day I can die. So many people live and die, fading away, forever lost from mortal acknowledgement. I don't want that. I don't want to be famous either. I want to touch lives before I die. I want to have a purpose, a reason for life and a reason for death.
I use to think that we all should die at a certain age, that everyone should live evenly, but I know that is pointless. I now just hope that we all die at a certain point in our lives, a point where we are not afraid of death, where we can accept it for the beauty that it does bring. It seems like it doesn't happen. With so many people dying at such different ages and times in their lives, it seems like many have not accepted Death. Maybe inside they have, deep inside. Even they may not be aware of it. That is what I can hope for. Nothing can take away my hope, not even death.
Death justifies nothing and answers nothing. It is not something that a mortal can give out, can justify as the right thing to do. It is Nature's own child, and only Nature and life can give death, not mortals.
When I think about it, I am reminded of that line from a Queen song: "Mama, I don't want to die. Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all."
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