7 Signs You're Not Dealing With Your Grief and Loss: Recognizing When You Need Support

by Mimi Rothschild

Grief is one of life's most challenging experiences, yet it's also one of the most misunderstood. While there's no "right" way to grieve or timeline for healing, there are warning signs that indicate when someone might be avoiding their grief rather than processing it in a healthy way. Understanding these signs can be the first step toward genuine healing and recovery.

The Reality of Unprocessed Grief

Before diving into the signs, it's important to understand that grief doesn't follow a neat, linear path. There's no magical timeline or simple process that makes the pain disappear. However, there is a significant difference between those who begin to heal and those who avoid their grief entirely. The key lies in whether you "lean in" or "lean out" when difficult emotions arise.

When we consistently avoid, numb, suppress, or distract ourselves from grief, it doesn't disappear—it manifests in other ways that can significantly impact our physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

7 Warning Signs You're Avoiding Your Grief

1. Compulsive Behaviors After a Loss

One of the most common signs of unprocessed grief is the development of compulsive behaviors. These behaviors serve as distractions from the underlying pain and can include:

• Eating disorders: Overeating for comfort or undereating due to emotional numbness

• Excessive spending: Using shopping as a temporary emotional escape

• Addiction to distraction: Endless Netflix binges, compulsive social media scrolling, or gaming

• Substance abuse: Turning to alcohol, drugs, or other substances to numb the pain

These behaviors provide temporary relief but prevent the necessary emotional processing that leads to healing.

2. Withdrawal From Relationships When Grieving

Isolation is another significant red flag. You might find yourself pulling away from family and friends for various reasons:

• Avoiding the inevitable "How are you doing?" questions

• Not wanting others to see you when you're feeling down or might cry

• Feeling like others won't understand your pain

• Believing you're protecting others from your grief

While some temporary withdrawal is normal after a loss, persistent isolation prevents you from receiving the support necessary for healing and can intensify feelings of loneliness and despair.

3. Over-Functioning to Avoid Dealing With Grief

Sometimes avoidance looks like the opposite of what you might expect. Over-functioning is when someone appears to be coping exceptionally well, but in reality, they're using busyness and productivity to avoid their grief.

Consider this scenario: Two children lose a parent. One is visibly emotional, struggling in school, and expressing their pain openly. The other seems fine, takes care of everyone else, appears cheerful, and seems to be adapting well. Counterintuitively, the second child may be the one in greater need of support.

Over-functioning can manifest as:

• Throwing yourself into work to stay distracted

• Taking on everyone else's responsibilities

• Maintaining a "everything's fine" facade

• Becoming the family caretaker while neglecting your own needs

4. Increased Irritability and Conflict

Unprocessed grief often emerges as irritability and increased conflict in relationships. This happens because:

• Drama and fighting can serve as distractions from internal pain

• Anger may feel more manageable than sadness or vulnerability

• Conflict can be a twisted expression of emotional pain

For example, adult siblings mourning the loss of their parents might find it easier to fight over inheritance details than to sit with the unbearable pain of their loss. The external conflict becomes a way to avoid the internal emotional work that grief requires.

5. Persistent Sleep Issues After a Loss

While temporary disruptions in sleep and appetite are normal after a significant loss, persistent issues may indicate unprocessed grief. These problems might include:

• Chronic insomnia or difficulty falling asleep

• Frequent nightmares or disturbing dreams

• Sleeping too much as a form of escape

• Disrupted sleep patterns that don't improve over time

When these issues persist without being addressed, they often signal that the underlying grief remains unprocessed.

6. Physical Symptoms of Grief and Loss

The phrase "the body keeps the score" is particularly relevant when it comes to unprocessed grief. When emotional pain isn't addressed, it often manifests physically through:

• Chronic illnesses or frequent infections

• Digestive issues and gastrointestinal problems

• Persistent muscle tension and pain

• Frequent headaches or migraines

• High blood pressure and cardiovascular issues

• Chronic fatigue or unexplained exhaustion

• Autoimmune system disruptions

These physical symptoms often develop because the body is holding the emotional tension and stress that isn't being processed mentally and emotionally.

7. Worsening Mental Health After Losing Someone

It's crucial to understand that grief itself is not a mental illness—mourning is a natural, healthy response to loss. It's completely normal to feel sad, struggle, and not function at your usual capacity after experiencing a significant loss.

However, when we don't receive adequate support or fail to address our grief, it can lead to more serious mental health conditions, including:

• Clinical depression that extends beyond normal grief responses

• Suicidal thoughts or ideation

• Severe anxiety or panic disorders

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Complicated grief disorder

The key distinction is that unprocessed grief can push someone out of the normal grieving process into these more serious mental health challenges.

3 Essential Skills for Processing Grief Healthily

The difference between healing and avoidance comes down to your approach when difficult emotions arise. Drawing from the work of Peter Levine, founder of somatic experiencing, there are three crucial skills that can help you begin processing your grief in a healthy way:

1. Pendulation: Learning to Swing In and Out

Pendulation involves allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully while also giving yourself permission to take breaks and find comfort. This natural rhythm includes:

Swinging In:

• Letting yourself feel the full intensity of your grief

• Allowing yourself to ugly cry, scream, shake, or sob

• Facing the pain rather than immediately escaping from it

Swinging Out:

• Taking time to ground yourself and find comfort

• Wrapping up in a blanket with a loved one or pet

• Engaging in gentle, soothing activities

• Allowing yourself to rest and recover

A healthy nervous system can do both—it can swing into intense emotion and then swing back out to rest and recover. An avoidant nervous system, however, stays rigidly locked in the "swing out" position, desperately trying to avoid any emotional intensity.

The goal isn't to stay sad all the time or let emotions completely run your life. Instead, pendulation allows you to address grief in manageable chunks while maintaining your overall stability and well-being.

2. Resourcing: Adding Support While You Face Your Pain

Resourcing means intentionally adding support systems and comforting elements to help strengthen you as you face difficult emotions. This might include:

Social Resources:

• Bringing a trusted friend or family member with you to difficult places (like visiting a grave)

• Scheduling regular check-ins with supportive people

• Joining a grief support group or working with a counselor

Physical Resources:

• Taking a hot bath after emotionally difficult moments

• Getting a massage or other soothing bodywork

• Engaging in gentle exercise that feels good to your body

• Creating a comfortable, safe space for emotional processing

Spiritual/Emotional Resources:

• Engaging in prayer, meditation, or other spiritual practices

• Keeping meaningful objects or photos nearby during difficult times

• Using music, art, or other creative expressions for comfort

The key is to avoid facing your grief in complete isolation. Instead, you intentionally surround yourself with support as you do the difficult work of processing your loss.

3. Titration: Processing Grief in Small, Manageable Doses

Titration means breaking down overwhelming experiences into smaller, more manageable pieces. This approach recognizes that trying to process all of your grief at once can be overwhelming and counterproductive.

Practical Applications:

• Set time limits when going through a loved one's belongings (perhaps 30 minutes at a time)

• Schedule specific times for grief work, followed by scheduled breaks

• Process one memory or one aspect of your loss at a time

• Take frequent breaks during emotionally intensive activities

Benefits of Titration:

• Prevents emotional overwhelm

• Allows your nervous system to integrate experiences gradually

• Makes the grief process feel more manageable

• Reduces the likelihood of avoidance behaviors

While this approach isn't always possible (grief sometimes hits us unexpectedly), having titration as a tool in your toolkit can make the overall process more sustainable.

Moving Forward: When to Seek Professional Help

While these three skills can be incredibly helpful, it's important to recognize when professional support might be necessary. Consider seeking help from a grief counselor